New Mexico Chili Cookoff

Subject: New Mexico Chili Cookoff February 22nd 2010, 12:33 am

This has been around several times, but it’s worth
New Mexico Chili Cookoff

If
you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico ..

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For
those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe
Plaza . Judge #3 was a S.C. magistrate named Mike, who was visiting
from Columbia S.C .

Mike:
“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Bud Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge
#3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – Jack’s MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Mike)
-- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 --
Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3
-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3
-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting
to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3
-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3
-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2
-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3
-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water.. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 --
This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report

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Guest

Subject: Re: New Mexico Chili Cookoff February 22nd 2010, 7:21 am

Subject: Re: New Mexico Chili Cookoff February 22nd 2010, 9:00 am

Subject: Re: New Mexico Chili Cookoff February 23rd 2010, 11:30 am